If your considering whether to start counselling or not it can be useful to gain a basic understanding of how perfectionism might affect you and how this might get in the way of you sticking with your sessions.
We all think we know what perfectionism is since the majority of us can notice perfectionism but it can be helpful to label it in words so that we can start to separate our sometimes maladaptive thoughts and feelings about it. Perfectionism can be seen as connecting identity to ACHIEVEMENTS. It is how you think and the stories you tell yourself about what matters and what you expect from others and yourself.
There has been increasing awareness and research on how perfectionism affects our mental health through clinical studies recently. Perfectionism can have an enormous impact on the quality of life by holding us back from being our most successful, happy productive selves and it has been linked to the following clinical disorders;
Depression, Anxiety (even in children)
Self Harm, Social anxiety disorder, Agoraphobia, OCD
Binge eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders
PTSD, CFS, insomnia, hoarding, chronic headaches, early mortality and suicide
Perfectionism is on the increase in society but where is it coming from? Perfectionism stems from marrying your identity with your achievements, the question is more; where isn’t it coming from?
Studies conducted between 1989 and 2016 showed that in 1989 about 9% of respondents posted high scores In socially prescribed perfectionism but by the end of the study that had doubled to about 18%. In another laboratory experiment, both high-perfectionists and low-perfectionists were given specific goals to solve tasks without being told the test was rigged and that no one could succeed in achieving the goals. Interestingly, both groups kept putting in the same amount of effort but one group felt much unhappier about the whole thing and gave up much earlier which was the high perfectionists. This can also often happen in counselling when clients feel that they are not making fast enough progress.
Perfectionism is actually an expectation management problem. It’s not about who you are but how to THINK. The good news is that we have control over the styles of thinking that we use so it’s something that we can adjust once we become conscious of it. It’s also important to see that having high standards and being conscientious are not the same as perfectionism which they are often confused with. Perfectionism can be seen as a fear-based internal narrative that we tell ourselves to try to keep ourselves safe. It is not actually about attaining success as much as avoiding failure which is a negative way to live. Showing up in life to avoid failure is a very different feeling than showing up for life to succeed.
There are 3 ways we can demonstrate perfectionism, we all experience these to a degree with differing effects:
- EXPECTING YOURSELF TO BE PERFECT
- EXPECTING OTHERS TO BE PERFECT
- THINKING OTHER PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO BE PERFECT.
The effects of perfectionism can become a vicious circle of setting an impossible goal> failing to reach it> being self-critical and causing anxiety> giving up on the goal or burning ourselves out trying> ending up depressed so we set a new goal> and the cycle starts again.
Perfectionism can affect us in lots of ways including fear of judgment or disapproval, afraid to make mistakes, we don’t speak up for ourselves, we don’t communicate in an authentic manner, we become over-reliance on validation from other people, overemphasis the ‘Shoulds’ in life and avoiding situations when not sure if we are going to be successful. We can also fall into the trap of believing others are easily successful. The sad thing about perfectionism is that we can be very hard on ourselves and not feel good enough. It can be a conditional way to live. You are trying to control what you can’t control and over-controlling what you can.
The key principles of expectation management and standards are:
- Being in the habit of having high stands for everything and everyone
- Is inappropriate and exhausting
- Used to avoid shame and guilt rather than striving for progress or improvement
How do we move towards becoming less of a perfectionist?
- We need to learn how to lower the bar when appropriate for ourselves and others
- We need to learn to understand the difference between high standards and unrealistic standards
- We need to accept that lowering the standards doesn’t mean NO standards
If you are ready to start your journey of gaining more self-awareness, being kinder to yourself and others, and challenging your thoughts and actions get in touch for a free consultation on any of the links.