So you are in a relationship with someone who has a PTSD diagnosis and you are probably wondering how you’re going to navigate all the PTSD information out there, let alone navigating your actual relationship. PTSD can be a complex subject that is explained in either very simplistic terms or in subjective detail. In this guide, I’m going to cut out all the noise and show you how to set intentions for a successful and happy relationship built on solid groundings.
Overview of PTSD
The DSM – 5, diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, defined PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a disorder where there has been exposure to a stressful or traumatic event, either threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence, it can come from learning about a trauma that has happened to a close family member or friend or repeated exposure to distressing details of a trauma event. The ‘disorder’ part of post-traumatic stress is when the behaviours develop following the traumatic event in response to intrusive distressing memories or dreams, flashbacks or dissociative reactions (detaching from the here and now), sometimes even after 3 months have passed since the event happened. Post-traumatic stress is a normal reaction to traumatic events however PTSD behaviours like avoidance, hypervigilance and emotional numbing are severe and persistent enough to impact a person’s life.
How does PTSD affect partners?
You might have approached this subject intending to find out as much information as possible so that you can help your partner recover from PTSD. When there are mental health conditions in a relationship, acceptance of the fact that you are both being affected by the condition is key. You and your partner will both have to face the uncertainty of living with a mental health condition like PTSD. Trauma can show up in unexpected ways for your partner and in the beginning stages of a diagnosis, you will both be discovering your partner’s specific patterns which can feel incredibly confusing, disorientating and traumatic. Being there for your partner can mean that you begin to start experiencing Vicarious trauma which is a state of trauma that is experienced as a result of someone else’s trauma. There will be moments where your partner might re-experience flashbacks to their trauma but try to carry on functioning as normal, you will notice that their behaviour or mood has changed but they will be unaware so it can feel like your coping with the rollercoaster of your partner’s disorder alongside your own life.
What steps can I take to ensure a successful relationship?
- Check your boundaries – For any relationship to be successful regardless of a mental health condition it can be helpful to view yourself as independent beings in the relationship first and foremost. This means having your own goals, interests and viewpoints. Staying focused on these will help you to maintain your boundaries.
- Remind yourself that you are mentally well – preservation of your mental state needs to be your priority. This doesn’t mean you are abandoning your partner, you are merely setting yourself up to handle the challenges in a healthy way which means that you need to prioritise your own needs and wellness before you can give help to your partner. For some people, this might seem selfish but it is vital.
- Separate your partner from their mental health condition – Try to build a perspective of the fact that your partner has been unlucky in developing an unhelpful way of coping. These coping habits are not your partner’s personality and it’s almost certain that if your partner knew the problems that would develop they wouldn’t have chosen this. You can still love all the things that made you fall in love with your partner.
- Identify what the experience is teaching you about yourself – is it that you need to develop faith in yourself to handle tough circumstances like your partner’s mental health? Or could it be that you need to let go of control and accept uncertainty more often? The lesson you take from this can be life-affirming and powerful so choose it well.
- Let go of your vision for the future – parts of the vision you had for your future may not be possible anymore but that doesn’t mean you can’t build a new vision. Supporting someone with PTSD isn’t going to stop you from achieving all the things you have always wanted like having kids or getting married. You just need to find out how you can still achieve these things despite your partner’s mental health. Even if you had chosen a partner with perfect mental health that doesn’t guarantee that you will get exactly what you want out of life. Be flexible, adaptable, open to the journey and lessons as they will enrich your life in ways you can’t imagine.
- Stay with your partner because you choose to, not because you have to – If you have a huge sense of duty to stay and support your partner this can often leave you feeling as if you don’t have a choice and then you can begin to resent your partner – as well as finding the lesson’s your learning also acknowledge the challenges you’re facing but that you are choosing to face them because you want to.
- Recognise abusive behaviour – It’s human nature to be cruel occasionally – we all have the capacity for this, a lot of the time we talked cruelly to ourselves in our head. Your partner may have experienced cruelty at some point in their trauma and it’s repeating in their behaviour unconsciously so it’s down to you to speak up if they behaving cruelly. You must also accept that speaking up might not stop the behaviour and that you might need to leave the relationship, this can be both empowering and devastating but both are better options than a lifetime of cruelty from a partner.